Written by BobbyG.

to make sure your event stays "off the radar" and is fully compliant with anti-rave laws, a few changes are suggested

musical genres should be compliant

instead of "drum n bass," it's "drum and bugle"

not "acid house" "alcohol house" or "beer house"

(and Sonic Foundry will change its software to "Martini" instead of "Acid." Likewise "Frooty Loops" will be renamed "beefy loops.")

make sure you're playing "bender" instead of "trance"

no more "trip hop" it's "drunken hop" not "hip-hop" any more. it's "Disney Hop(TM)"

"tribal house" should be known a "family house" out of respect. and it's "lite house" not "deep house", and with a lot less of that unnerving bass, please

"jungle" will be called "backyard" or "patio"

actually, just consider switching to Country. they're using synths & drum machines sometimes too you know. and at least you can understand the lyrics.

no more using obviously seditious places like parks and forests and farm fields for your venues. we'd suggest church basements and middle school gymnasiums, the same ones the pagans will be using to assure compliance

and please end your events at 11 p.m. at the latest to assure no one mistakes yours for an all-night "rave" party

please, no more glowsticks. we'd suggest Disney flashlights if you want to be weird with lights

"gift economy" is a rather subversive notion. have people charge at least a nominal price for what they are distributing on the playa, and encourage them to set up Multi-Level Marketing arrangements if possible. it's the Am-Way, after all...

clothing should be tasteful and by a major designer such as Tommy Hilfiger, Disney, Abercrombie & Fitch, home of the $50 sweatshirt, or Warner Bros, etc. nudity is accepable in your camp, in view of your husband or wife.

now, for the important part. if you insist on burning some sort of effigy, make sure it's a patriotic one. no more of these weird, disturbing burning men, or ponies, or alien creatures or weird mythical birds. if you plan on an effigy, choose one of the Most-Hated Islamic Leaders of the month, such as bin Laden, Qadaffi, Arafat or Hussein. this will still give you a cathartic effect but also reassure law enforcement officers that you have that PATRIOT streak.

we suggest you comply with these suggestions. it's for your own good, really.

The Life-Sentenced Ravers

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